Kill Things to Make You Happier

Now let me get this straight from the get-go: This is not about murdering humans. Killing people is not OK. It’s inconsiderate and it’s also against the law in most states.

Now that we have that out of the way, have you ever stepped on a bull-ant and smiled as it’s snapping jaws bit the dust? Admit it; it made you feel good didn’t it? That’s what I’m on about here. Getting certain things ‘out of the way’ and enjoying the act of removal. It’s ‘keeping things simple’, it’s zen-like, it’s ‘getting things done’ it’s even ‘de-cluttering’.

Here’s a list of other things you can kill to make yourself feel better:

Bacteria. We all love using anti-bacterial sprays, soaps, detergents, wipes and so on. Every time you use one of these products you kill tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands, lots and lots of living creatures. But because you can’t see them dying (can’t see them at all!) there isn’t really a whole lot of fun in it. Killing bacteria for happiness: about 2 on the satisfaction scale.

Cockroaches. Have you ever stood on one of these things? Not, repeat not, the way to kill ‘em. Use cockroach spray or powder. You’ll soon be rewarded with the site of horrid little legs pumping the air as they lay prone on their back wishing they’d chosen the faux French restaurant two doors up to infest. Ah, happy days.

Ants. Ants can bring you a lot of joy. Because you get to kill thousands of the little blighters at once. Put out a few drops of that honey-like ant poison, watch as a they swarm on it, devour it, and rush off back to their nest. You can’t follow them there, but here’s what you should do: run to your bedroom, lay on your bed and imagine the ants carrying the little globules of poison back to the nest. Look! There’s the queen. A little ant gives the queen some honey-poison. Now imagine the queen grabbing her fat throat, twisting, screaming, gurgling… dying. Within a few days the whole nest of little black devils will be dead. If that doesn’t put a big cheesy grin on your face and make you pump your legs up and down on the bed in joy I don’t know what will.

Termites. If your house has ever been infested with termites, you’ll know the complete satisfaction you feel when you’ve wiped their wood-chewin’ smug little faces off the face of the earth. To bring one of those week- long smiles to your face, get in a professional exterminator. They’ll cover your whole house in one of those tent things and pump noxious gas into every nook and cranny. Termite armageddon. Satisfaction guaranteed.

Mice and rats. Not the cute pet variety, but the plague-carrying, poo-dropping ones you hear behind the fridge at two in the morning. The vermin. Killing these devil-spawn is actually doing good for society. So putting out mice pellets and knowing your probably sending a whole family of the little squeakers to vermin heaven should bring a smile to your face. Plus they are a couple of only a handful of mammals you’re allowed to ‘take care of’ legaly. Mammals. Warm blooded bad mammals. You killed them. Be happy.

For all you squeamish types out there, remember this zen quote: ‘Death is but part of life.’ And we all know life is the search for happiness. Ergo dot sum: Killing things makes you happy. It’s just logic.

UPDATE: After reading this Annette sent me a spirited email which basically boiled down to calling me a crazy homicidal hillbilly. Point taken Annette. But I’m sure your opinion would be more forgiving after a couple of glasses of your special ‘happy juice’. Cheers.